Relationship

Last night, I’ve been thinking if I do ready to start a new serious relationship. I mean “serious relationship”. I stressed that words because there are some relationships that I had for the five years since the last time I had a serious relationship with my ex, and those relationships were just a kind of flirting shit. To make it clear not a shit that I fucked men. No. Please, not that one I meant. It was just something like chatting or flirting a guy but didn’t come to the point that I fucked him up. Perhaps, I should say of not giving my heart to anyone.

See. I am already twenty-eight years on this earth and I am running out of time. An envy feeling when you see your friends marrying and you just become a bridesmaid in their weddings. That you have just become a godmother of their children. It’s a pretty hypocrite reaction if I do say that I don’t want to become like them. To become a wife or a mother too, like them.

I am not saying that I wanted to become a wife or a mother for the sake of envy. To have your own family is more than like winning a lottery for me. More than that, because it’s a kind of blessed gift. Not everyone is successful in that matter, though, but it’s still a blessing.

Thus, going back to what I mentioned earlier, I am thinking to give a chance to invest my heart for the second time in a guy. It’s been already five years since I was very tough. Being very selfish or coward to try to start or to commit again. I don’t understand how my body or emotional or psychological part shields every time I feel a guy showing interest to me. I automatically lost interest to him. I become overly self-protected. And I think at this time, I should unshielded myself. I must have a courage. Lot’s of courage to face the consequences that may happen in every relationship.

Sigh. Please do say good luck to me.

How did I leave them with Misty-eyed?

I am a kind of person who doesn’t want to talk about my romantic life most especially about my past but few weeks ago I suddenly spill out my beans with my two lady friends.

We had a dinner at that time when one of them, let me call her Marie asked me about my ex. She was very curious if what happened after four years since the last time she saw us together at the mall.

I attempt to zip my mouth but she insisted:

Here is the story:

Last March 2011, my ex, let me call him MJ went in our apartment. He joined our dinner with family. It was a day before my graduation. While I was washing the dishes, he hugged me tightly. It was unusual to me that he doing that in the presence of my family — I never thought that it was his last hug for me.

I asked him to come on my graduation day because I’m going back to our hometown (almost 200 km. away from the city) after the graduation but he said that he can’t because he can’t leave from his work. So, as an understanding girlfriend, as I am, I said it’s OK.

So, I went to our hometown without seeing him before I left. I was waiting for his call but he didn’t call. I was waiting for his text messages but I was disappointed. Therefore, I decided to call him. It was only ringing, and nobody answered. I texted him but he never replied.

It took almost a month that he didn’t communicate to me again. Every single day of that time was like a nightmare to me. Unexplained pain that I feel every day and night while waiting for his call.

Last April 30, 2011 (I remember the exact date because it was the last day of our seminar in our church for summer catechist volunteer), the phone number of his brother appeared on my phone. He asked me if his brother was still communicating to me. I said that he didn’t.

His brother told me that MJ has another girlfriend. Though I have a suspicious that he really has another girlfriend, but the truth killed me at that time. That night, all I did was crying.

The next day, I supposed to serve at the church but I decided to fly to the city just to clear everything. I wanted to hear from him why and what really happened. And I wanted to fix what was broken. Or I just can’t really let him go in that situation.

While I was riding in a bus, I texted him. I called him. But the scene was still the same; never heard anything from him. Then I told him that I already knew the truth.

Then suddenly, I received a text message from him; “Sorry, I’m not yet ready”.
It took three days of waiting for him since I arrived in the city. Then I sent him a message which expressed how I miss him (it was true. I really miss him) and I promised not to mention about his affair to another girl.

In that afternoon, he appeared in our door. Smiling. Pretending that as if nothing happened. He joined in our dinner. Talking as if nothing happened. But the truth was, inside my heart was the pain. The pain that can’t cure by smiles but a clarification and by facing the real situation. I thought it could.
But my heart didn’t carry it all. I broke my promise. I asked him about the girl and all I heard from him was “I am sorry because your boyfriend is a jerk”.

I confused what he meant. Therefore, I took the phone and gave it to him and said, “Send her a text message and told her that you already have a girlfriend”.

“No, I can’t. She may get hurt”, he replied.

That line made my heart tearing like a helpless sheet of paper. Suddenly, tears lurking beside my eyelids.

“Why? Why you’re afraid if she’s getting hurt? Have you learned to love her?”
He didn’t answer. I knew he already falling and that’s the hurtful truth.

“Ok. I understand. Clear you mind first. Maybe you just confused. I hope someday when we talk again, you can decide who of us who stays because you couldn’t love two women at the same time” It was a very hard line for me but I hadn’t no choice but to say that. Those tears which were desperately come out a while ago finally fell.

It took another few days of waiting. Since I never heard anything from him, I send him a text message.

Then he replied, “I’m sorry. I can’t let her go. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the care. Thank you for the love”

I heard the sounds of heart breaking apart. I didn’t know where that pain came from while tears competitively coming out from my eyes.

“Why? What I have done?” I replied.

“I am very sorry. You have done nothing wrong in our relationship and I am so thankful for all your time, your love and care. I am very sorry”.

I wanted him to say that in front of me. Not in a text. Not in a call but in real just like how he courted me and just how he said he loves me. But the truth was, I couldn’t even imagine the pain if he said that in front of me.
Few days past with that feeling of being helpless. Hurt. Pain. Tears. I didn’t know how I continue my life without him. I loved him. That’s all I knew. I want him back. He never replied from my text messages. He never answered my call.

One day I received a text message from his brother asking me to go with him to see a doctor. It was the time that I got a chance to ask about MJ and a girl. Who is that girl? He gave me the cell phone number of a girl and I texted her.

I have so many questions in my mind why this happened to us that’s why I decided to contact the girl. She told me that MJ said to her that he didn’t communicate to me for a long time. She said that she didn’t know that he has a girlfriend. I knew it was all her excuses because she knew us already.

And she told me that they were in a relationship for a year! I was stupid! I didn’t even suspect that he betrayed me. I trusted him for three years but he already betrayed me for a year. I was stupid. Really I am.

Then I went to the internet café to chat with him. Informing him that I and his new girl were communicating. I told him that I knew how he betrayed me for a long time. All I got from him was the same line; “I’m very sorry. Thank you.”

I kept asking why her? And why not me? I kept insisting myself love me and not her.

Then he replied, “She’s two months pregnant”

That line made my knees forceless. Even though I am in public I didn’t control my tears. I cried, never cared around. It was hurt. Really, really hurt. How can I fight my love for him? No chance.

“If that is the reason why you choose to be with her than me, you can still be a father to the baby. We can support the child, together”, I insisted. Because I wanted him back. I am willing to forgive him and to start again.

“It’s impossible. Because I learned to love her also.”

I feel the dagger which slowly cutting my heart so badly. I felt so hopeless. I felt so hurt.hurt.hurt. Cried.

I have no weapon to fight my love again. I have no reason to stay with him again.

I kept quiet. It took a month for being quiet. But every single day is a hope that someday he appears on my door and tells me how he missed me so much. Someday he tells me how he loves me and will ask forgiveness. That someday, we start again…together.
But it never happened. What happened was, a girl sent me a text message and asked me to see her because she has lots of questions to ask from me. Since I also have lots of questions which remained unanswered, I agreed to see her.

We agreed to see each other in MJ’s apartment. He was like seeing a ghost when he saw me inside his home.

I knew that I shouldn’t do that. I knew I just undervalue myself. But that’s all that I knew to express and to make better closure if possible. It was my last strength for fighting my love for him.

We went together inside his room. Me, him and his new girlfriend.
He took my hand and looked directly into my eyes.

“I’m really sorry. I am not the right guy for you. I’m going to have a family and I want you to move on…” I don’t remember some of his lines.

I cried. Cried in front of them while them, were watching me crying. Crying like a child who loses her doll. That’s all I knew… the pain… it was all pain.
He took my hand and asked me to slap his face. He asked me to hurt him whatever I wanted to do to him just to ease the pain I fell. But I didn’t.
Within three years in our relationship, I never tried slapping his face. I never tried hurting him. With that situation, that he hurt me so much, I would never plan to slap his face either. What’s for? To ease my pain? It never works for sure.

I didn’t slap his face. I didn’t beat him. If I do hurt him, he may find excuses to convince himself that he already paid off what he done to me. I wanted to bring that inside of him that he hurt me, who loved him so much. I wanted him to remember my pain.

Yes! I hated him! I hated him so much!
I used to believe that someday that time will heal the pain. Time will tell me that to forget him. And time will tell me to forgive him.

But time went by, the pain still the same. There’s no single night that I didn’t taste the saltiness of my tears. There’s no single night that I didn’t feel the hate to him. And every hate I felt was the sadness and emptiness which I couldn’t explain.

I couldn’t handle that feeling anymore. I decide to talk a friend. I told her the story and she sincerely listened to me. She then smiled and said;

“I can feel how you felt right now. You can’t cure it by yourself. Surrender it to God. Talk to Him like your friend. Tell to Him just like how you telling me. And let Him heal you by His Grace”

That night I realized what I missed for few months; talking to God about the pain. Talking like a friend. Surrendering. That night, I surrender everything. Accepting how weak I am and admitting that I can’t handle it by myself and I really need Him most. I asked Him to help me on how to forgive MJ.

Forgiveness. That’s the key. Eventually, with an unexplainable phenomenon, my heart became light. The realization that everything has a reason. Though there were some nights that I still remembered the pain but I trusted God that He would heal me in His own way. After more than a year since we had a breakup, finally, I totally moved on.

After four years, I learned that they got married. I maybe so dishonest if I would say; “I am happy for them”, perhaps I prefer to say, “Good for them”. 🙂

I never regret what I did. I never regret showing my real feelings to them. I never regret fighting my love for him. I never regret insisting myself make him loving me again. I never regret anything. Never did!
If I did nothing to save the relationship, maybe that’s what I regret for. Maybe that regret still inside my heart ‘till now. Maybe a massive of “what ifs’” keeps haunting me till this time.

Everybody has a different point of view about love. Whatever it is, everybody is right.

Love isn’t that easy to let go. Love needs to fight as long as you can. Love never loses hope. Willing to wait. And willing to invest whatever its cost.
But we also need love for ourselves. That is why time comes that we need to give up, but at least, in that time, we never regret anything because we did anything for love. Our chin is still up high if that time comes.

And the hardest thing that most of us can’t give is “forgiveness”. We are craving for peace of mind, the light heart, and happy life but we can’t forgive a person who causes an extreme pain in our heart. We are only human, and it is normal to feel hate, but God is willing to teach us of what forgives is and He will keep teaching us until we learn. Surrender and it will happen.

I’m afraid telling my story to anyone because they may not understand me. I fail explaining myself to them. They may hate me for being a martyr or they may feel so sorry for me. I don’t want to draw a picture on their mind about who really I am in terms of love. I don’t want them to hate the guy.

I kept this story for a long time.

Originally published in Life Tips.