How did I leave them with Misty-eyed?

I am a kind of person who doesn’t want to talk about my romantic life most especially about my past but few weeks ago I suddenly spill out my beans with my two lady friends.

We had a dinner at that time when one of them, let me call her Marie asked me about my ex. She was very curious if what happened after four years since the last time she saw us together at the mall.

I attempt to zip my mouth but she insisted:

Here is the story:

Last March 2011, my ex, let me call him MJ went in our apartment. He joined our dinner with family. It was a day before my graduation. While I was washing the dishes, he hugged me tightly. It was unusual to me that he doing that in the presence of my family — I never thought that it was his last hug for me.

I asked him to come on my graduation day because I’m going back to our hometown (almost 200 km. away from the city) after the graduation but he said that he can’t because he can’t leave from his work. So, as an understanding girlfriend, as I am, I said it’s OK.

So, I went to our hometown without seeing him before I left. I was waiting for his call but he didn’t call. I was waiting for his text messages but I was disappointed. Therefore, I decided to call him. It was only ringing, and nobody answered. I texted him but he never replied.

It took almost a month that he didn’t communicate to me again. Every single day of that time was like a nightmare to me. Unexplained pain that I feel every day and night while waiting for his call.

Last April 30, 2011 (I remember the exact date because it was the last day of our seminar in our church for summer catechist volunteer), the phone number of his brother appeared on my phone. He asked me if his brother was still communicating to me. I said that he didn’t.

His brother told me that MJ has another girlfriend. Though I have a suspicious that he really has another girlfriend, but the truth killed me at that time. That night, all I did was crying.

The next day, I supposed to serve at the church but I decided to fly to the city just to clear everything. I wanted to hear from him why and what really happened. And I wanted to fix what was broken. Or I just can’t really let him go in that situation.

While I was riding in a bus, I texted him. I called him. But the scene was still the same; never heard anything from him. Then I told him that I already knew the truth.

Then suddenly, I received a text message from him; “Sorry, I’m not yet ready”.
It took three days of waiting for him since I arrived in the city. Then I sent him a message which expressed how I miss him (it was true. I really miss him) and I promised not to mention about his affair to another girl.

In that afternoon, he appeared in our door. Smiling. Pretending that as if nothing happened. He joined in our dinner. Talking as if nothing happened. But the truth was, inside my heart was the pain. The pain that can’t cure by smiles but a clarification and by facing the real situation. I thought it could.
But my heart didn’t carry it all. I broke my promise. I asked him about the girl and all I heard from him was “I am sorry because your boyfriend is a jerk”.

I confused what he meant. Therefore, I took the phone and gave it to him and said, “Send her a text message and told her that you already have a girlfriend”.

“No, I can’t. She may get hurt”, he replied.

That line made my heart tearing like a helpless sheet of paper. Suddenly, tears lurking beside my eyelids.

“Why? Why you’re afraid if she’s getting hurt? Have you learned to love her?”
He didn’t answer. I knew he already falling and that’s the hurtful truth.

“Ok. I understand. Clear you mind first. Maybe you just confused. I hope someday when we talk again, you can decide who of us who stays because you couldn’t love two women at the same time” It was a very hard line for me but I hadn’t no choice but to say that. Those tears which were desperately come out a while ago finally fell.

It took another few days of waiting. Since I never heard anything from him, I send him a text message.

Then he replied, “I’m sorry. I can’t let her go. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the care. Thank you for the love”

I heard the sounds of heart breaking apart. I didn’t know where that pain came from while tears competitively coming out from my eyes.

“Why? What I have done?” I replied.

“I am very sorry. You have done nothing wrong in our relationship and I am so thankful for all your time, your love and care. I am very sorry”.

I wanted him to say that in front of me. Not in a text. Not in a call but in real just like how he courted me and just how he said he loves me. But the truth was, I couldn’t even imagine the pain if he said that in front of me.
Few days past with that feeling of being helpless. Hurt. Pain. Tears. I didn’t know how I continue my life without him. I loved him. That’s all I knew. I want him back. He never replied from my text messages. He never answered my call.

One day I received a text message from his brother asking me to go with him to see a doctor. It was the time that I got a chance to ask about MJ and a girl. Who is that girl? He gave me the cell phone number of a girl and I texted her.

I have so many questions in my mind why this happened to us that’s why I decided to contact the girl. She told me that MJ said to her that he didn’t communicate to me for a long time. She said that she didn’t know that he has a girlfriend. I knew it was all her excuses because she knew us already.

And she told me that they were in a relationship for a year! I was stupid! I didn’t even suspect that he betrayed me. I trusted him for three years but he already betrayed me for a year. I was stupid. Really I am.

Then I went to the internet café to chat with him. Informing him that I and his new girl were communicating. I told him that I knew how he betrayed me for a long time. All I got from him was the same line; “I’m very sorry. Thank you.”

I kept asking why her? And why not me? I kept insisting myself love me and not her.

Then he replied, “She’s two months pregnant”

That line made my knees forceless. Even though I am in public I didn’t control my tears. I cried, never cared around. It was hurt. Really, really hurt. How can I fight my love for him? No chance.

“If that is the reason why you choose to be with her than me, you can still be a father to the baby. We can support the child, together”, I insisted. Because I wanted him back. I am willing to forgive him and to start again.

“It’s impossible. Because I learned to love her also.”

I feel the dagger which slowly cutting my heart so badly. I felt so hopeless. I felt so hurt.hurt.hurt. Cried.

I have no weapon to fight my love again. I have no reason to stay with him again.

I kept quiet. It took a month for being quiet. But every single day is a hope that someday he appears on my door and tells me how he missed me so much. Someday he tells me how he loves me and will ask forgiveness. That someday, we start again…together.
But it never happened. What happened was, a girl sent me a text message and asked me to see her because she has lots of questions to ask from me. Since I also have lots of questions which remained unanswered, I agreed to see her.

We agreed to see each other in MJ’s apartment. He was like seeing a ghost when he saw me inside his home.

I knew that I shouldn’t do that. I knew I just undervalue myself. But that’s all that I knew to express and to make better closure if possible. It was my last strength for fighting my love for him.

We went together inside his room. Me, him and his new girlfriend.
He took my hand and looked directly into my eyes.

“I’m really sorry. I am not the right guy for you. I’m going to have a family and I want you to move on…” I don’t remember some of his lines.

I cried. Cried in front of them while them, were watching me crying. Crying like a child who loses her doll. That’s all I knew… the pain… it was all pain.
He took my hand and asked me to slap his face. He asked me to hurt him whatever I wanted to do to him just to ease the pain I fell. But I didn’t.
Within three years in our relationship, I never tried slapping his face. I never tried hurting him. With that situation, that he hurt me so much, I would never plan to slap his face either. What’s for? To ease my pain? It never works for sure.

I didn’t slap his face. I didn’t beat him. If I do hurt him, he may find excuses to convince himself that he already paid off what he done to me. I wanted to bring that inside of him that he hurt me, who loved him so much. I wanted him to remember my pain.

Yes! I hated him! I hated him so much!
I used to believe that someday that time will heal the pain. Time will tell me that to forget him. And time will tell me to forgive him.

But time went by, the pain still the same. There’s no single night that I didn’t taste the saltiness of my tears. There’s no single night that I didn’t feel the hate to him. And every hate I felt was the sadness and emptiness which I couldn’t explain.

I couldn’t handle that feeling anymore. I decide to talk a friend. I told her the story and she sincerely listened to me. She then smiled and said;

“I can feel how you felt right now. You can’t cure it by yourself. Surrender it to God. Talk to Him like your friend. Tell to Him just like how you telling me. And let Him heal you by His Grace”

That night I realized what I missed for few months; talking to God about the pain. Talking like a friend. Surrendering. That night, I surrender everything. Accepting how weak I am and admitting that I can’t handle it by myself and I really need Him most. I asked Him to help me on how to forgive MJ.

Forgiveness. That’s the key. Eventually, with an unexplainable phenomenon, my heart became light. The realization that everything has a reason. Though there were some nights that I still remembered the pain but I trusted God that He would heal me in His own way. After more than a year since we had a breakup, finally, I totally moved on.

After four years, I learned that they got married. I maybe so dishonest if I would say; “I am happy for them”, perhaps I prefer to say, “Good for them”. 🙂

I never regret what I did. I never regret showing my real feelings to them. I never regret fighting my love for him. I never regret insisting myself make him loving me again. I never regret anything. Never did!
If I did nothing to save the relationship, maybe that’s what I regret for. Maybe that regret still inside my heart ‘till now. Maybe a massive of “what ifs’” keeps haunting me till this time.

Everybody has a different point of view about love. Whatever it is, everybody is right.

Love isn’t that easy to let go. Love needs to fight as long as you can. Love never loses hope. Willing to wait. And willing to invest whatever its cost.
But we also need love for ourselves. That is why time comes that we need to give up, but at least, in that time, we never regret anything because we did anything for love. Our chin is still up high if that time comes.

And the hardest thing that most of us can’t give is “forgiveness”. We are craving for peace of mind, the light heart, and happy life but we can’t forgive a person who causes an extreme pain in our heart. We are only human, and it is normal to feel hate, but God is willing to teach us of what forgives is and He will keep teaching us until we learn. Surrender and it will happen.

I’m afraid telling my story to anyone because they may not understand me. I fail explaining myself to them. They may hate me for being a martyr or they may feel so sorry for me. I don’t want to draw a picture on their mind about who really I am in terms of love. I don’t want them to hate the guy.

I kept this story for a long time.

Originally published in Life Tips.

How do my Parents Value Education?

photcredit: Unsplash.com

My parents are not professionals. In fact, they didn’t even finish their secondary level. My father went until fourth grade and my mother went until sixth grade.

My mother told me about her childhood life. She said that her ambition is to become a teacher, but instead of sending her to school, her mother sent her to a rich family to work. At the age of eleven, she started working for the family.

Her experience became her guide on how she’s going to raise her children. She doesn’t want us to experience the same life as she had. She keeps telling us that education can change the status of our life.

“Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune.” 
― Jim Rohn

There’s no magic on how my parents were able to send their seven children to school: four are degree holders, one is an associate degree, one is college level and the youngest is currently studying Marketing Management.

And yes, I am simply a proud daughter of them.

When our eldest brother started studying in college, some of our relatives objected. Neighbors gossiped that my parents were just so ambitious for sending my brother to college.

My parents knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but their determination was strong.

I saw how they worked for us. My mother selling eggs in the market and my father driving a tricycle. These are their regular source of income. But since my brother started studying in college, they started working at dawn. They were making homemade bread to sell. They cooked food to sell, and they did everything did to earn extra income.

When my brother finished his studies, my parents proved to themselves that they could do it, and since then they sent the rest of their children to school.

Our parents once told us:

“ We are not rich. We don’t have money in the bank nor hectares of land for you to divide when we are gone, but we gave you wisdom, knowledge and understanding by sending you to school. Use it, protect it and be thankful for having it because nobody can steal it from you.”

Educated parents are not about having a diploma in their hands or having a high degree in school, but it’s about how they educate their children to value education.

And, education is not only for professional parents and not only for rich parents. Education is for everyone who values education.

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Originally published in Higher Education Revolution;

Tomorrow is like a clean sheet of paper

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
― L.M. Montgomery

There are times that we feel so burdened in our day. Disappointments, mistakes, stupid things we did are pulling us down. We take our depth breath if these burdens are drenching us into depression. We wish that in the next click of the long hand of the clock is the presence of the innocent face of “tomorrow”.

But it isn’t. Time must wait systematically.

Yet, the sweetness truth about of waiting of tomorrow is a promise of its cleanliness. A promise of chances for repentance, for forgiveness and for change which will lead us for happiness.

Tomorrow is like a clean sheet of paper; spotless and innocent. Waiting for filling memories. As innocent as it is and as human as we are, we can’t keep away from committing mistakes.

 

 

 

 

 

How Response Helps Novice

How Response Helps Novice?

I almost lost my confidence. I was silent for several days. It was because of disappointment, which I thought I could resolve by giving up.

But, as what other says; whatever thoughts which untold must unfold.

I did.

I posted “A Confession from a Novice” in Medium. It is a piece of writing which hoping that wizard writers could give any advice for me.

After three days, I received twelve recommendations, one note and one response. Perhaps you’re smiling right now while reading this because it’s not a huge bulk of feedback, which may not need for me to spread all over the world.

However, how do those feedbacks affect to me?

  1.  Confidence and Courage

“Don’t give up. You clearly love writing, so take every opportunity to keep getting better. And confidence is something all writers struggle with”, I received this line from Tom Farr.

Hearing that piece of advice made me think, he is right. Medium gives me the opportunity to post, to get involve and to learn, therefore, why should I stop. If it is true that every writer struggles the same confidence issue, then why they are successful now?

Perhaps, it’s because they didn’t give up.

  2.  Yes! I exist!

For the last four months, since I became a member in Medium, I thought I never exist. How do I know if I really exist when I haven’t received any responses from others? Or even seeing that there’s someone reads my post?

I couldn’t help myself to stop thinking;

Am I really part of this?

Does my work can really be seen by others?

Who cares, anyway?

Those thoughts were bent since I received responses from the medium community, though it isn’t as huge as others responses, yet it’s enough for me to prove that I am existing in this community.

   3. Grammar

In my previous post, I express my difficulties in grammar. Even at this time while I’m writing this, I still confused about my grammar.

As what Veronica Montes advised me that “grammar is easy to fix” and also about what Tom Farr thought; “Grammar can be tough if you don’t know what to look for…”

From the thoughts of wizard writers, I should change my perspective that grammar is not a villain in my writing or barriers of my learning but if only I just give myself a chance to spot what’s wrong on my writing and to learn out from it maybe from time to time I can be good at it.

Perhaps at this time, though it’s not perfect yet, but at least I tried.

  4.  Networking

Deborah Foster shared her experience that there was also times that some of her works got low recommendation rates.

By this, I can feel her empathy. She knew my feeling for having low recommendation rates because she experienced that too.

“I’ve been told it is about networking… I’ve been told to just keep writing and reading. That’s the best advice I’ve heard.” – Deborah Foster

By sharing her experience and the advice she got, I found out that maybe I am just lack of networking. She introduces me how networking influence to get notice.

We love responding thoughts from lovely works, from known writers, from famous people, but on the other hand, we forgot to ask, “How my response helps a novice?”

A Confession from a Novice

I’m a “trying hard” writer.

Yes, I admit.

At first, I don’t have an idea to what I should write. On my journey of trying myself to become a writer, too many struggles which I encountered:

1.Grammatical Error

Lately, I lost my confident in writing because I had bad grammar on my previous post. It made me fell so little in writing the world. Though, many writers said that grammar is easy to fix, but it still hard for me. Even now while I’m writing this piece, I have some doubts about my grammar. Damn! How can I gain confidence again?!

2. Poor Audience

As a novice, I understand why I didn’t gain more audience. Thus, I can’t help myself to think if my posts have real sense. Every time I post a piece of writing in Medium, I always check my status and it always gives me disappointments;

view=0
read=0
read ratio = 0
Recommends= 0

For twenty-two posts in Medium, I only got a total of four recommendations. Gosh! Am I really serious to continue this journey?

3. Unstable Subject Matter

I wanted to be a writer for self-improvement. Now I am not writing about self-improvement, otherwise, it’s self-demotion. It is abrupt for me to switch into another topic. There’s a feeling of being an “unpinned soul” — doesn’t so sure to which part I should focus.

4. Envy

I know that it is bad to feel envy to anybody, especially when it comes to talent, but since this is my confession piece I should be honest at this moment. Every time I see many recommendations on others works, I can’t help myself to ask;

“Why they have lots of recommendations? Why mine is zero?”

I’m just curious; is it a normal feeling? Or I am just really an evil?

It’s a rant from a novice writer while asking any advice from expert writers…

 

* originally posted in Medium.

Bad Experience Can be a best Teacher

Bad Experience Can be the best Teacher

   “Sometimes you can learn, even from a bad experience. By coping, you become stronger. The pain does not go away, but it becomes manageable.”

― Somaly Mam, The Road of Lost Innocence: The True Story of a Cambodian Heroine

The good thing about bad experience is when you learn how you learned from it. Bad experience is a better teacher than from good experience because it can reveal deep lessons which good experience can’t.

Life is like driving a car;

We always have a chance on which road we should start running our own wheels; either in a smooth road or in a rough road. Normally, we always choose a smooth one, not even minding how this smooth road teaches us, or mold us to become a strong one. Through our journey, we forgot to think that smooth road isn’t eternal. As we encountered holes in our path, we easily give up our wheels. Worst is, when we stop because we are too weak to overcome those holes.

On the other hand, if we choose to start running our own wheels in a rough road, we become immune about the holes we might encounter. We learned how to adjust our speed when to pause and to get up when we fall from driving. Through our journey, the rough road gradually becomes smoother. Not because, it was the absence of holes, but because we were too tough running our own wheels.

Adversities are not the villains in our life. Mostly, they are terror teachers who teach us for us to learn the hard lessons which most kind teachers didn’t force us to learn. Though they can cause too much pain, yet if we only know how to perceive the lessons behind those we may be thankful that they became part of us.

Yes! You Are Worth!

“Your time is way too valuable to be wasting on people that can’t accept who you are.”
― Turcois Ominek

Regrets

Regrets

“Our biggest regrets are not for the things we have done but for the things we haven’t done”

― Chad Michael Murray

 

 

Time doesn’t have a power to bring itself back, when it’s done we let regrets became residues and those regrets were surely reverberate inside us.

 

There was a time when I’m alone and a “what if'” question slaughtered me; what if I took journalism during college, maybe I am a good writer at this time or maybe I didn’t have problems on my grammar. That regret was like a cricket which keeps ranting inside me. I knew I can’t bring the time back but time keeps offering me to start walking with my passion. The day will come that I’ll learn and will not stop learning.

 

We blamed ourselves if things went wrong for what we’ve done or things we should do but we haven’t done. We let ourselves convicted with regrets. Instead of moving forward, we keep on dwelling the past and we let “what ifs’” set-in in our thoughts. We shouldn’t let ourselves stagnant with regrets and we should let ourselves wash down those undesirable thoughts because that might be the barriers of our growing.

 

We can’t give our back from regrets because we aren’t perfect, but life offers us big chances for us do what we failed to do and to correct what we’ve wrongly done.